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Winter has dethawed into spring, and updating my site has been a longtime coming! Or, well, and longtime thought and wanted at the very least. And it was time to finally rip that bandaid off, as it should've been done months ago. As the title reads--so much and so little to say. These months for me have been a mixture of depression and near-nothingness, the latter being at the behest of nothing but my own retarded mind.
I had to make the decision to let my bunny son pass after 14 years of blessing the Earth with his existence. He went through so much in his life, and especially so in the past three months; he had his left eye removed and right up until the day he passed, he was doing so well :c He deteriorated over the course of 24 hours and I couldn't allow myself to prolong his suffering. But seeing him in those final hours, and knowing how scared he must've felt and how much pain he must've been in, shatters me. I miss him so much and every day and my life just isn't the same without him.

I've been replaying games I love like Persona 3 Portable (found it for a steal for the Switch when I was visiting my BF in the state he lives in) and Fire Emblem: Birthright. Also been playing Baulder's Gate 3 just for something to do and it's been fine/fun enough. I like the character I'm playing, a tiefling Warlock named Caladrith. I was going to post a picture of how she looks but I have her geared up in a way she looks lame as hell and it isn't worth sharing.

Other than that, it's been wasting away almost literally. Severely neglecting the speck of work ethic that hangs on but it keeps hanging on due to shame. But then feelings of apathy come on, and then shame again, and then anxiety, rinse repeat forever. It's all excuses at the end of the day, I have the power to change myself or try in little ways; I guess the fact that I've been Playing Games is my cope for "well at least I'm 'doing something'!" but it isn't fulfilling and it isn't enough. And I know what could potentially be enough but I'm either unequipped or scared or lazy or insecure or all of the above.

Blegh. So it's been like, why talk on here? I haven't even been drawing or creating any kind of art, even though my insides scream and scream and scream to just fucking DO SOMETHING. !!! So again, it's been like why talk on here? I have genuinely nothing to offer or say besides these walls of text saying why there isn't. Every day, every week, every month, every year I say change will happen here and there and I will change most of all. And I hate typing this out because it's, truthfully, so gay to not only complain but to write up a whole "woe is me" diatribe and post it online. Not that I feel any type of woe is me, but that's all I think of when I read people complain about things within their control and I hate to be a part of that. Ofc stuff slips out every so often, but I do my best. : -X

I haven't been using discord really at all except to call my BF, so I'm sorry to everyone I've ignored. I'm sure we're all within the same headspace of understanding, but I still feel bad about it. To any of you who may be interested, I've been really using nina.chat as my primary mode of conversing (lol "primary" it's just been with my 1 friend/roommate) and I've been having a lot of fun with it and want to use it with more people! If you have an account, my AIM is fleebies!

Anyhoot, gonna get all of this posted on my finally! and then figure out how I'm going to spend this now Sunday (06/15) by the time I've been adding the finishing touches! Enjoy your weekend & give all your pets some extra lovin' from me.

Ahhhh, it feels good to finally have some things to write about! : -D About two months ago, a little stray oldman (or so I initially thought...) cat wandered up to me and my roommate in our backyard. He had an old and faded collar (seemed to be one for fleas & ticks) as well as a tipped ear, so he was at some point cared for at the very least. We brought him in and kept him in the bathroom for a couple days until his meowing started and we said fuck it and made his domain the living area (which thankfully can be separated by a door). I got him to the vet the following week for a full assessment, and since he wasn't microchipped he officially became mine! And still more, I come to learn he's actually a kitten!! Estimated younger than my own Hamlet, even! I couldn't believe it; he's had such a rough life.

But now here's where the trouble starts and hasn't let up.. He is NOT ok with my other cats. The few times they've had the opportunity to be in the same room as each other, Errol (stray) lunges at Ham and my roommate's cat Socks. And I mean lunges and is GOING FOR IT. It's terrifying to witness as our cats are from the same litter and rarely even roughhouse. As mentioned earlier, luckily Errol's domain can be separated by a door, so unfortunately we often have to have them all sanctioned off and everyone involved is stir-crazy. Errol will just yowl and howl and it breaks my heart, but it also makes the others really anxious. I got the pheromone plugs about a month and a half ago and they haven't done much. I need to be more diligent with the Jackson Galaxy methods or whatever, truthfully. I wish Errol would see that they don't give a shit about his food and are just trying to do their own thing! He doesn't have to be so territorial anymore, he's safe... :c I don't have any experience in this situation, so if you happen to read this and have tips feel free to send them my way!!

With that out of the way, my bedroom has finally come together after literally three months. And it still isn't anywhere where I want it to be AT ALL. It's feeling cluttered in a bad way because the walls are blank but I have so much stuff that needs to be hung on said walls.. I guess now that everything is more or less in its final resting place, I can start hanging shit. But here are some pictures, ft. Errol!


Quick disclaimer about the picture with my bed.. As I was inspecting all the pictures on my computer I realized the yaoi manga lent to me by my unabashed fujo coworker on the grounds of "it's actually really funny, just don't read it at work" (she's mid 30s/early 40s mind you) is on my nightstand because she really wants it back and has mentioned it politely multiple times, so now I feel like I HAVE to read it because it's been sitting in a box under my bed for so long and is only now seeing the light of day again. I have never read yaoi in my life lmfao. I skimmed through it and it's literally just porn idk if I have to heart to even fake enjoy it with her.
And here's my bunny Fozzie, currently in bunny jail (ignore my laundry. it's a lot of bulky stuff ok!!) because I do NOT trust Errol around him unprotected. Which makes me sad too because my Hammie loves Fozzie, and Fozzie is an OLD MAN (14 yrs, somehow) who loves the attention of kitties.. :c You can see his curious little face through the bars! And do you also spot something else perhaps, tucked away to the left of my monitor? Why yes it IS my childhood Flower Power iMac, I'm so glad you asked!!



And which segues me perfectly into my next (and I think last?) topic I wanted to discuss.. I thought to ask my parents if we still had this lady (lady being iMac) anywhere, and my mom said yes it was in their shed. Unprotected in both containment and by elemental exposure, yet somehow she remained! My mom does commercial graphic design work and has used Macs since their conception really, I'm lucky enough that this computer ended up in my bedroom growing up (because TV=bad but unfettered internet access was...?) so this was literally my childhood computer. Though, I think it must've been cleaned up a bit when I upgraded to another Mac in middle school (perks of being an only child, I'm the only leech!) because it was definitely missing a lot of files that I can remember, but some artwork of mine remained and that's what matters. Here's a smattering below:



And here're two more fanart/edit pieces that made me smile:


Why did I make Gaara green-eyed and brown-haired? Your guess is as good as mine!

I honestly couldn't believe these survived, let alone the computer running without any outside assistance. Yahoooo! I left the original file names as the saved images for if you enlarge them. I definitely want to do redraws of these four in particular, and I think that's how I'll end up spending my Sunday!! : -D Ooh, I also need to do my Neopets dailies!! I finally got the Wheel of Celebration avatar which I was worried I would miss, but I've gotten really lucky! I'm not sure what the stats are for all the items/I'm sure the prices of things will drop due to lots of copies being out there, but I managed to snag both the Celebration Pet & Petpet Paint Brush, as well as the 25th Anniversary Celebration Stamp (which, yeah, all the prices have dropped pretty dramatically since what I was seeing in the beginning. At least for these wheel items). All in my SDB currently because I'm also still working for the Packrat avatar!
And while typing this out, my Wheel of Celebration wins for today were: avatar again (so nothing), and this little fella!

And that FINALLY wraps up my longest journal to date! I hope you enjoy the rest of your day today!

There are so many things I want to say. So many things I want to scream into the void. I have so many deep-seeded, contradictory feelings about the internet & personal "expression" & the need for an online journal. Sometimes I can't tell if it's insecure projection, if it's because I know how it was to say every single intimate thought, every depression you ever felt online and frame it as "a diary", if it's commentary on the state of interpersonal relationships online, if it's all of the above. When the aforementioned are posted on social media sites, Tumblr mainly as that's where my own experiences come from, it's almost always for attention. The posters know this, but it gets framed as wanting to "connect with other people who feel the same". Maybe that's how it all started, wasn't that the goal of social media anyway? Connect with others? But why is connecting with others tied to dumping every thought you feel for likes? But sometimes I want to revert to those behaviors again, there is an addiction in attention. Lonely people want attention, I understand. But where is the line drawn? Some things should remain in a personal, physical diary I feel. Or just keep it in your mind. Or scream it in your car, or outside in the woods. Or write it down on a scrap piece of paper and throw it away. Sometimes I hate how online everyone is, myself included. But all these feelings come across differently to me if it's done on a website where people can't really interact with what you're saying. Neocities can be like that, and I guess I have more respect for those types of online diaries than ones that are fueled by interaction. And I say all this which takes me back to my first point of "insecure projection"--why do I even fucking care? I can just as easily turn my monitor and walk away a-la Tyler, the Creator. I don't need to look or interact with it. Is it just the fact that people act like perpetual victims at it annoys me? Because I see my old self in them and want them to get out of it? But what even is "getting out of"? What have *I* done "being out of" it? ... "I care and I don't" would be on my tombstone if I were to have one.

I haven't been up to much. I blame it on the lack of organization in my room, which is accurate to an extent, but really I'm just depressed. I bought Tears of the Kingdom a couple weeks ago just to do SOMETHING instead of doomscrolling FB shorts (I hate using FB but marketplace can be good), and it's been a good filler for feeling like I'm accomplishing something once I get home from work. Funny how I need to cope with the reality that I'm, in fact, wasting my fucking time! Each and every single day. I don't create anything, I don't produce anything (and by produce it could even be something as simple as getting a room clean. Or a meal made. Not a commodity. Ideally it'd be art but that ship has sailed I'm starting to accept), I don't broaden my mind, I'm allowing myself to rot. In part, my current job is effectively "paid body" so 7.5hrs out of my 8hr shift, I have nothing to do. Literally nothing. And so I read my gossip sites, and enrage myself with topics that I feel strongly about. And then go down a rabbit hole of making myself seethe. And I do this essentially my entire shift, so once I get home I'm so mentally drained that all I want to do is smoke weed and not think anymore. Or I want to drink for the same reasons, as well as to keep me up. Because that's the other thing, I'm just so fucking tired all the time. I always want to and could easily sleep. It sounds so lame but I want to like, microdose or take a decent amount of shrooms at once (that I've had sitting around for a year) and force some sort of "breakthrough" as they say. If that would even happen. I need to shake myself out of this feeling. But all I want to do is disintegrate. At the very least, a first step in not crumbling would be finding something productive I could do during a majority of my workday that isn't just listening to audiobooks I can half pay attention to and reading about lolcows. Maybe reading more manga again is the way to go, easy enough to stop-and-go as it would be. I have a huge backlog so I may as well start digging. I was trying to do some language learning while at work but I'm pulled away from it too often and it takes away from any learning that's going on. Sigh, it would be great if I could work remotely again, because during my idle periods I'd maintain my apartment and eat better and was just happier all around.

I'm so angry all the time. And I also in same ways WANT to be angry all the time. I sometimes wish I had an echochamber of female friends where we can keep feeding off our anger. We have every right to be angry. Beyond angry. Female people are seen as a costume that can be so easily slipped into and it sickens me. And yeah, I want to just rant about it as the other side rants about us evil... dare I say it? But what good is that doing for my mind beyond making be feel more doomed as the days progress? Not even just doomed for us, but for other animals and the planet. I feel so, so entirely depressed about the future of Earth and it makes me want to die quite honestly. I will never bring life into this world in it's current state, and I have a lot of thoughts about this resurgence of pro-natalism & Catholicism within alt/coolonline communities (at least, I saw it beginning on Tumblr before I totally cut myself off). I stand by this: people who say they want a "family" but only if the child is genetically theirs don't want a "family", they want to procreate. Call it what it is.

I've went off on a couple different tangents here, and I feel ok to stop at this point despite having so much more to say. Maybe another entry, because this has been a lot of though vomit, I hate how I write when I just want to get it out of me (i.e. pretty retardedly) but that's just the way it is I guess! I just finished up my breakfast which consisted of a cheese, onion, and may on rye bread sandwich with an apple. Now, I'm going to find some manga to read and get to it! Happy Friday everyone.

First of all, I want to say that I love this^ album. I love dds. One of the few bands recently (i.e. like since 2019) ((also Holly Herndon is amongst this too but she hasn't released anything from PROTO and is like DEEP into AI creation which, I'm not a total AI hater not sorry to say, but I remember some years back she started getting into NFTs and shit, and I was just like ok girl.. But it's funny to see how Grimes copied SPAWN and then started crying about fans not only making better Grimes songs than Grimes herself but also that she should be getting royalties essentially. Fucking insane. And I know this statement isn't anything new, but also depressing as hell that Grimes became what she was, as an early Grimes fan (how many more times can I write Grimes in this entry). I don't even really know what I'm trying to say right now, I had many points I wanted to expound on but as I started actually writing them out, of course they all left my brain.

I do still remember some of my points, and I'm just so sick of having to read the most henious, depressing, truly absurd shit and hold my tongue. We all know why. Females know why. That should say enough. And I'm **SICK** of it. Sick of the retarded, braindead accusations. Sick of seeing bullshit happening in real-time and everyone turns a blind eye because of intangible "realities". Imagine if I demanded people view me as funny because I *know* I'm funny, and it's an integral part of my identity and denying this makes me feel so bad about myself that I want to kill myself. How is that anyone's fucking problem besides the person who's feeling that? Like I'm so sorry that you cant control the thoughts of everyone around you, but you can't, and you need to accept that lmafo. Fucking INSANE that we have created a culture around "actually, no, you MUST see me as I see myself or you're a facist". Fuck it I don't CARE about pretending! I haven't for years! I don't shut up and will NOT shut up about it! But what is my faut is choosing to read shit to seethe. Going to try and stop that behavior in this new chapter of my life, at least <3 But I will never shut up about reality.

Anywayyyyy. Tomrorow is my official first move in day, cannot wait to be out of this fucking apartment honestly. Nothing but negativity here and it needs to be shed. This new place will be so so much better, I know it will. Again, I'll do a longer post with some interior pictures to show you how AWESOMEEEE it is!!! Just gotta get through the sucky aspect which is the actual move. Ah well... Onto better things!!! Happy Friday!: -D

I haven't listened to the song listed above minute, let alone the album. Great album, by the way-- [Venice by Fennesz] if you haven't listened to it before. I can't say I'm any sort of well-rounded Fennesz listener, but I have listened to a lot of his albums if not passively. Fennesz is actually the first musician that my boyfriend and I talked about and immedaitely bonded over; like literally THE first musician I named, he was like "whoa I was just listening to him a ton this week". Anyhoo. An album I didn't know of & he showed me is [this] one with Sparklehorse.

Unrelated, I just went down a minirabbit hole of looking at my old last.fm (haven't used it since I broke up with my ex) but I saw some followers listening to a musician that I was actually friends with back in my Tumblr days. I was a big Tumblr girl, heavy in the Animal Collective "fandom" I guess it truly was (but it was like riiiiiight at the cusp of when people started freely using that word. DOESN'T MATTER I GUESS. I just cringe at current vernacular but I guess that's what it's like to ~grow up~). When I made my shitty music and would post it on Tumblr, this guy that I became friends with thru the community at the time also made music. But he really liked my music and wanted to collab with me and I wrote some tunes for it but ended up just like.. Never following up. I've regretted it for a while because I think it could've really been something special and maybe more could've grown from it, but what can you do. I was 18 years old and not thinking. Anyway I read on the comments of his last.fm page that apparently Ethel Cain recommended his music to people. Ngl, not a fan of Ethel Cain on any level but it's just wild to hear the two names alongside each other.

I'll speak of another hot take, because I think within the internet sphere, people suck Ethel's dick (pun half-intended) and have lately been obnoxiously singing the praises of: Chappell Roan! Yes, I am one of the seemingly very few people who really don't care about her on any level. I won't lie, [Good Luck, Babe!] has absolutely been stuck in my head and I enjoy singing it a lot because we're within a similar registrar, but you know what else get's stuck in my head? [I Love to Singa] (objectively better tho tbh). Don't get me wrong, she can sing and she's making fine pop music, but that's all it is to me--fine. And I think that's all it really *is*, but what she also Is, is marketable; who doesn't love a totally kweer & totally lesbian musician?! (sorry, my tinfoil is that she is not a lesbian but a regular bisexual girl like the rest of us. People don't realize she got out of a 4 year relationship with a man and immediately claimed lesbianism, which I'm not acting like isn't possible, but it's just interesting how it became immedaitely marketable for her. And she talks about her being a lesbian all the time yet the only people I actively see her prop up are drag queens and TW.. it just feels inauthentic to me. And inb4 someone goes 'what does a lesbian have to do to be 'authentic' to you? idk, maybe date a woman for starters would be cool.) Her image and ability to actually sing is what sells her, not the quality of her music besides a really braindead, shallow take of it. Call me a prude for this next take, idk, but I'm sick of female artists singing these extremely sexually explicit songs. I feel like female artists feel this need to embody how men sing about women because literally "men do it too", but the most recent sexually explicit songs I can think of involve womenxwomen action. And it's like, you want to "objectify" a man in your song, that makes more sense. But you're just objectifying women while pretending you're empowering yourself and other women by talking about sex in such a "blunt" way. It reaks of lazy writing packaged in "it's for the girls and the gays <3" messaging because marketers know these online "communists" don't think about what they consume if it has a rainbow slapped on it.

Ok I'm ending that rant lole.. I have a lot of opinions and feelings on things. But I don't need to unleash it all I guess! This journal entry definitely feels long enough! xP I leave you with [this] album that autoplayed after The Point of It All ended!