Winter has dethawed into spring, and updating my site has been a longtime coming! Or, well, and longtime thought and wanted at the very least. And it was time to finally rip that bandaid off, as it should've been done months ago.
As the title reads--so much and so little to say. These months for me have been a mixture of depression and near-nothingness, the latter being at the behest of nothing but my own retarded mind.
I had to make the decision to let my bunny son pass after 14 years of blessing the Earth with his existence. He went through so much in his life, and especially so in the past three months; he had his left eye removed and right up until the day he passed, he was doing so well :c He deteriorated over the course of 24 hours
and I couldn't allow myself to prolong his suffering. But seeing him in those final hours, and knowing how scared he must've felt and how much pain he must've been in, shatters me. I miss him so much and every day and my life just isn't the same without him.
I've been replaying games I love like Persona 3 Portable (found it for a steal for the Switch when I was visiting my BF in the state he lives in) and Fire Emblem: Birthright. Also been playing Baulder's Gate 3 just for something to do and it's been fine/fun enough. I like the character I'm playing, a tiefling Warlock named Caladrith.
I was going to post a picture of how she looks but I have her geared up in a way she looks lame as hell and it isn't worth sharing.
Other than that, it's been wasting away almost literally. Severely neglecting the speck of work ethic that hangs on but it keeps hanging on due to shame. But then feelings of apathy come on, and then shame again, and then anxiety, rinse repeat forever. It's all excuses at the end of the day, I have the
power to change myself or try in little ways; I guess the fact that I've been Playing Games is my cope for "well at least I'm 'doing something'!" but it isn't fulfilling and it isn't enough. And I know what could potentially be enough but I'm either unequipped or scared or lazy or insecure or all of the above.
Blegh. So it's been like, why talk on here? I haven't even been drawing or creating any kind of art, even though my insides scream and scream and scream to just fucking DO SOMETHING. !!! So again, it's been like why talk on here? I have genuinely nothing to offer or say besides these walls of text saying why there isn't.
Every day, every week, every month, every year I say change will happen here and there and I will change most of all. And I hate typing this out because it's, truthfully, so gay to not only complain but to write up a whole "woe is me" diatribe and post it online. Not that I feel any type of woe is me, but that's all I think of
when I read people complain about things within their control and I hate to be a part of that. Ofc stuff slips out every so often, but I do my best. : -X
I haven't been using discord really at all except to call my BF, so I'm sorry to everyone I've ignored. I'm sure we're all within the same headspace of understanding, but I still feel bad about it. To any of you who may be interested, I've been really using
nina.chat as my primary
mode of conversing (lol "
primary" it's just been with my 1 friend/roommate) and I've been having a lot of fun with it and want to use it with more people! If you have an account, my AIM is
fleebies!
Anyhoot, gonna get all of this posted on my
finally! and then figure out how I'm going to spend this now Sunday (06/15) by the time I've been adding the finishing touches!
Enjoy your week
end & give all your pets some extra lovin' from me.
Devious Desktop
Watched by
I understand why people go crazy.